Joan Oates Life Coaching Blog

There is a  difference between being in control of our lives verses being in charge of our lives. In -control- we are wrestling with others to gain control. In -charge- there is no wrestling with others. In-control-what others think matters. In-charge-there is no image management, it only matters what you think and a few select others. In-control-there are poorly defined goals. In-charge-there are well defined goals and plans. In-control-there is lots of stress. In-charge-there is less stress.

Take charge, joan

The UC Davis M.I.N.D. Institute opened it’s ADHD clinic a year ago and they are learning some wonderful things, things that many with ADHD or who live with someone with ADHD already know. It’s nice to have what we have been telling others for years is now finally being validated through sound scientific research. The beauty of this research is that it will put solid evidence behind ADHD, so that others can no longer argue that this is a problem of will power. I attended a lecture on their progress last July and at that point they were conducting studies to validate what the person with ADHD was telling them, in essence looking for what mechanism in the brain is responsible for specific ADHD issues.

Once those mechanisms are revealed, further studies will see how that mechanism can be manipulated to get a different result. For example one thing they have already learned is that the reward to work ratio in the person with ADHD needs to be high. What this means in real life is that the person with ADHD needs an immediate and frequent reward to stay on task. The brain with ADHD likes the more immediate reward even if it’s not the biggest reward. The person with ADHD will take 10 cents now, instead of a dollar later. For parents this means a lesser, cheaper more frequent reward, so instead of rewarding the child for reading a book they get a lesser reward for completing a chapter or may be even a page. For the adult with ADHD it means that one big reward weeks or months away will be less effective in getting to your goal than small rewards along the way.

Emotional hot spots are a delicate issue and difficult to navigate. How we handle hot topics says a lot about our emotional compass.
Are we cool like the north or do we run hot like the south? What would it take for us to find east or west? How highly charged is the issue? Is it totally off limits or can discussion happen? Sometimes it’s not the temperament of the person or the subject matter, it’s the timing, are hot topics brought up at the dinner table or before bed? These things matter. Better management comes with better awareness. Sometimes I visualize my life as a river flowing west into the ocean taking all my cares and troubles with it to be dispersed into the vastness of the sea.
Looking west, joan

A friend recently asked me why do you think nobody ever put together a recipe box for life? Hummm… expand on that. “You know” she says. “like a food recipe but for life, like when someone’s parent dies. You look at when a friends parent dies recipe card and it says, something like step one: call and express condolences, step two: follow up with card, step three:go to funeral if possible.” We laughed at the concept but she was on to something. I have seen a Life’s Instruction book but it’s little tidbits of wisdom and etiquette books cover these kind of things, but not as concise as a card would be. When I think about it there are many times when I say to myself ‘oh, what should I do here, what should I say’. Pulling out a book and thumbing through the index then reading about it usually doesn’t happen. Perhaps one of the reasons we sometimes stumble and fumble through life, because we need that knowledge and don’t take the time to get it, how convenient a card would be.

What cards would be in your box?

When someone that suffers from anxiety comes to me they are usually looking for a one remedy cure. “Show me what to do Joan and I’ll do it.” An enthusiastic approach and one I appreciate. However anxiety comes from so many sources in our lives, that they are disappointed to learn that there is not just one thing that works in managing anxiety. Anxiety is best managed by looking at the big picture. Looking at all areas of life that may contribute to anxiety from diet to sleep patterns.

Rushing around and being frenzied is just one area that can contribute to increased anxiety. The temptation to try an get all things done, can leave us rushing and fussing all day, this produces all of those anxiety type brain chemicals.

Slow down and be gentle with yourself - one day at a time

later

Many of the clients I see have trouble with this one, the ability to laugh at themselves. This can be difficult when one is dominated by negative thinking patterns. However the ability to poke fun at oneself  as we fumble and succeed through life is one of the things that keeps us human and critical self talk in check.

laugh, it’s not that bad, joan

There are many ways that we feel stress, the most common causes of stress are our jobs, finances, family, and relationships. These common stresses are where most of us focus our stress reduction energy, but what about the uncommon places where stress exists? Lets take media and cyberspace for example, there is a lot of stress in these arenas, yet it is not commonly recognized.

I’m feeling more of it already as I transition some of my business to the web. A recent study showed that teenagers now spend on average 10 hours a day in front of some type of screen, TV, computer, video games, blackberries, etc. That is frightening. Is it any wonder teen suicide is at it’s highest rate ever. As a society we are are stressed in ways many of us have never experienced before.

One very good strategy to reduce stress is to reduce media exposure, by this I don’t necessarily mean no screens. Watching a good comedy is a great stress reducer, what I’m talking about is the 24/7 news, political and financial coverage, the social networking and cyber-shopping/researching. Many counselors and therapists recommend ‘low or no media/cyber’ days for people under extreme stress, this is a good idea as are ‘no drive’ days. However, the resistance to practice these strategies is high, most likely because they are daily habits and those are hard to change. Try anyway. This strategy to reduce stress is easy to implement, does not require a doctors visit, has no negative side effects and is cheap.

later, joan

I teach a class on Humor in Healthcare, it’s a fun class to teach and I always leave in a good mood. That good mood lasts throughout the day and usually into the next day or two. I also find that my desire for humor increases during this time too, I tend to seek it out. The more humor I get the more I want, why? Because it feels good. So actually for about two weeks after I teach this Humor class I have a pretty good perspective on things. Then the humor begins to fade and laughter occurs less. A recent study showed that a four year old laughs on average over 400 times a day, a forty year 14 times a day. Yes, life kicks us around and sometimes it’s a wonder that a forty year old laughs at all and by this grim statistic apparently we will find absolutely nothing funny by the time we’re 65.

One of my goals for 2010 is to introduce more humor more often. Rent more comedies, read the funnies, tell more jokes. I pulled a fartmaster out of the drawer the other night that I use in my class and set it off, Chris and I laughed until we cried. Take a look at your life and see where more humor is needed.

Smiles to you, joan

Anxiety is triggered by a thought. A thought that becomes persistent, so persistent that others are tuned out. The only voice that is being heard is the voice of anxiety. It takes practice to hear the voice of others when under an anxiety attack. There are several strategies for managing anxiety, one important one is the ability to listen and hear others trying to help. Listening practice is best done when we don’t need it. Thinking you can practice listening while under an anxiety attack will not work so take a few minutes at a relaxed time and do the following; Listening to Nature, one of my favorite listening practice activities.

Sit in a chair outside somewhere you feel comfortable. I generally use my backyard, however any outside place will do but it must be outside. Take 3 deep cleansing breaths and close your eyes. Now just listen and as you hear sounds identify them to yourself either out loud or silently. Try to sit for 5 to 10 minutes. When your mind drifts, reorient to listening again.

What I find when I do this exercise is that at first I hear the obvious things, airplanes, lawnmowers, barking dogs, cars driving by, loud things we’ve learned to tune out and not notice. As I sit and begin to relax, layers of sound begin to reveal themselves, I start to hear more, now I hear the radio in the car as it goes by and I can hear that the neighbors are arguing. Sitting longer I hear the birds singing and chirping and the squirrels digging for nuts. Sit longer still, I hear the buzz of insects, the flapping of birds wings, and the sound of wind as it rustles the trees. By this time I’m totally relaxed.

I’ve seen this technique improve listening skills over and over again. I think because it’s enjoyable as well as effective. Try it.

Tonight, think about what you heard today.

later, joan